The D Word. Divorce, not Dallas.

Want to get real?

Like really real? 

Maybe you've noticed my sobby, inspirational tweets, or maybe that time I disappeared for a week? Or that there's a person missing from the "About She" section of my blog? 

That's because I'm going through a divorce. The D word. Sometimes I think it really doesn't start with D at all. It starts with R for restructuring. E for exhausted. S for scared, sad and sorry. 

I made some major mistakes and missteps. I let alot of people down, mostly myself. And of course the other person. And that other person couldn't love me the way that I needed to be loved. The funny thing is, blame is an unobtainable thing in situations like these. No one involved ever sees the other's point of view...I'll never be able to explain myself and be understood and neither will the other person. Sometimes you just have to buck up, be honest, show your hand and cut your losses. 

But cutting your losses doesn't make you a loser. 

This has been a long struggle, and frankly, now that it's at the end, I finally feel like I've just shed a heavy, dark skin. 

I don't want to fail anymore. I want to be a good person, a happy mother and an honest friend.

The truth of the matter is that I was failing at my marriage because I don't believe I could be good at something I didn't want with my whole heart.

I want a life that I choose. Here's a break down : After knowing him for two years, we got pregnant. I begged for a ring because I didn't want to run around a college campus with a big belly and a bare finger. We got married. We lived the next two years on auto pilot, nurturing our children and not our marriage or friendship. Somewhere along that line, I lost myself. I lost my ability to make good decisions that were right for my family. I also lost respect and love for the person I had pledged my life to.

And a 21 year old girl who knows no better isn't the same as the 27 year old woman who emerges from a cave when she finally wakes up. 

Over all, I know this is the best decision that can come out of a broken, sad situation. 

Fighting. Silence. Resentment. It's an evil cycle that's not worth it. You've got this one life.

I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to try and escape to a quiet room for a break when I should be excited to play with children on a sunny day. I don't want to pop a Xanax before I get home from work every day. I don't want to drink too much so I can try and act fun. 

I want a life of yearning, not resentment. I want a life of forgiveness, not guilt. I want a life of effortlessness, not forced, fake happiness.

This week has been the hardest week of my life. My children are staying at their father's house because I didn't have beds for them in our new place, so I hang out with them until bedtime, then leave and go to bed alone in my new place. Miss out on sleep, get up and arrive back at their house to get them ready for the day. I fret that they'll wake up and wonder where I am. 

Over the weekend, our new furniture arrived and we'll begin a routine of living that I pray will be okay for them. They have more love than imaginable from both of their parents, so I know they can feel it. I know they know how much they are loved. I don't ever want them to think I left because of them. 

The truth is, I can't be a good mother when I'm this unhappy. I need to nurture my soul, my life, my heart so that it becomes a part of who I am. 

I know they'll see a change. I know they'll recognize the happier, calmer mother that is emerging in this new life. This life that I am capable of living because I want it and I am happy in it. 

Don't ever convince yourself that something you want is too difficult to obtain.

Don't ever doubt that tiny little voice in your heart that whispers a yearning for something better. 

Don't ever hesitate to cut your losses, apologize for your mistakes and stand up straight.