Sometimes I get in a rut of blogging about surface things. Not to say those things are bad, I LOVE surface things. I could recommend books, share funny GIFs and talk about being a couch potato til the cows come home but I have been feeling a bit like a liar lately.
I haven't told a lie, it's just that I haven't been talking about REAL things lately.
So how is life lately for me?
It's been 4 months since I moved out of what used to be home, 4 months since I started my life completely over.
4 months is a very long time, but then it's not. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that my family was one single unit, where the shoes were always in the same pile in the garage instead of two, one there and another across town. It feels like just yesterday my schedule week by week was pretty much set in stone instead of a scramble of who goes where and which parent needs the weekend.
Sometimes the feeling of change that can't be reversed catches in my throat like a balloon that I can't breathe around.
Whenever that happens I have just to take a deep breath and look around me.
I look at the calm of my little apartment that is so....me.
From corner to corner, I've managed to fill the space with things that are just so "Jenni" and it makes the balloon lose some of its fervor and I can breathe a little easier.
There's chevron on the pillows, books on the shelves and quotes on the walls. Where ever I can find room, there's a clip, a magnet or a push pin that holds a sketch from R1 (Mi mom is the besst), a scribble from R2 or a quote I found on Pinterest.
Life as an update...my children are thriving. They are so happy. We giggle. We read together. (The Magic Treehouse series, Edward the Emu, Princesses Wear Hiking Boots)
Sometimes we eat at the table, sometimes we have a picnic on the living room floor. We like to go to McDonalds (Cherry Berry Slushies for them, Iced Coffee for me) and sometimes, instead we crush watermelons and ice in the blender for ice-ees.
I've gone to see my mom and sister and best friends more times in the last 4 months than in entire years passed. More gas money, sure, what's the cost of quality time with the women I love the most in the world?
I've played with Play-doh, watched Sandlot and colored more times than I can count and for some odd reason, I have the self-awareness to actually enjoy it as it's happening.
And when the sad realization comes over me that it's Wednesday night again and the Rs have to go to their dad's, that ugly balloon flares up again and it's hard to breathe. But then I remember where I was 5 months ago, 2 years ago, and I tell myself to relax.
Because the Play-dough won't dry up while they are gone and The Magic Treehouse has a secure bookmark in chapter 6, patiently waiting for our next bedtime together.
In the time they are gone, I keep busy. I read amazing, thoughtful and hilarious blogs. I make Pinterest boards about random things like throw pillows and provoking quotes.
I have made new friends. People who have lived in the same town as me for years and years but because of the walls I had built, had never been given the opportunity to show me how wonderful they are and how perfectly they fit into my life and my heart. And I spend time with people who make me so happy I want to shout it from the roof tops.
I've been writing more. Mostly for myself but also for a really amazing, women-empowered website. I've played around with the idea of opening more creative outlets for myself, including an Etsy Shop for my wreaths and greeting cards.
Maybe I've even thought about starting a new blog, not to get rid of this one of course but what if there was a blog powered by women who were ready to share their stories in a non-fiction way, like storytelling? And what if they could do it anonymously? And what if their stories where the same stories inside the minds of other women and they connected and found solace in each other?
Just a thought....
You want to know what else is new?
I've not that sad anymore. I am not that guilt ridden anymore.
Would you believe sometimes I even stick up for myself these days?
The words "keep my name out of your mouth" have actually came out of my own and I couldn't help but be proud of myself.
Because remember, I may have a past, but damn it, this is my future and I am not afraid to take it as my own and make it mine.
So that's life as an update...and life looks good up ahead.