The Mother's Day Card That Broke My Heart

So for Mother's Day, the kids' grandma took them to the store and they picked out bouquets of flowers with balloons for me.

It made me feel so good and I loved how happy they were to give them to me. 
Reese picked out a big beautiful red rose and Ryder picked three small yellow roses because he knows that's my favorite color. 

 Then Ryder goes to his backpack and pulls out a little book he wrote for me at school. 

I sat down to read it...
and it didn't exactly go like I wanted it to... 

I mean I guess he complimented me on my hair and that was nice and all...but I can't quite put into words how the other sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.

"She is oways yelling"

Is that what he really thinks about when asked to write about his mommy? 

Am I always yelling? 

But wait, what about every thing else? 

What about the endless Lego building, the soccer coaching, artwork, the sidewalk chalk? 

The picnics? The circus? The trips to get ice cream? 

Am I doing something wrong that makes him forget all that and focus on the fact that I yell at him? 

Last night I couldn't sleep and so tonight I was bound and determined to sit down with Ryder and talk to him about yelling and how that is such a small part of me being his mommy. 

I told him that I yell because I get frustrated.
I said I lose my temper when he jumps up and down on my furniture because I've told him a million times not to do it, because I KNOW he's smart enough to know it is wrong. 

I told him that I am not yelling because he is wrong.
 I am yelling because I know he can be better. 

But I should not be making excuses for my yelling at a six year old, so I also told my son 
that I was sorry and that I would work very hard at lowering my voice, thinking before I spoke and controlling my temper. But in return, he needed to think before he acted, remember my rules and treat others the way he wanted to be treated. 

I think if we work as a team, my little buddy and I will figure things out. 
I need to remember that I'm still relatively new at being a mom. People are pros only after working hard at something much longer than 6.5 years. I need to remember that I am still new at all things boys. And I need to remember he's practically just a baby. 

I think we will get the hang of it. 

Because no matter what, I want my kids to remember this 

And not that I get grouchy about the furniture or loud volumes.

 Even though it's important to teach kids lessons, I am continually working at being a better mom, every day in any way possible. 

The only thing about motherhood that I am sure about is that it comes with a gut feeling. 

 I had a feeling that he was a boy and that she was a little girl, long before seeing the proof on that black wobbly sonogram screen. 

I knew he would be a handful even before he learned to walk and I knew she'd be a dreamer and a dancer when I saw her first attempt at a cartwheel. 

These are things I just know. 
And it's that tiny little voice inside me now that is helping me through this Mother's Day. It's saying that I am a good mom, despite my son thinking I yell too much. I have a gut feeling that I'll make it up to him, that he will still remember the good over the bad and someday, when he has his own furniture to take pride in, he'll look back and understand. 

That's my hope, at least.