A fictional story....

In the busyness of that Tuesday morning, there were cars in the bank drive thru, a phone company truck was being loaded and in the distance, a car horn sounded. Everyone was going about their daily lives, minute by minute. Too busy to see anything out of the ordinary.

Because what is ordinary about the end of a marriage? There was nothing normal about what was happening to them. They stood in the parking lot, his hands, homeless, stuffed in his pockets.

The tears that had been leaking out, the ones she was able to keep at bay inside the lawyer’s office overtook her and sobs seized her lungs and escaped in a choking sound.

“You okay, pretty girl?” he said.

She wanted to look away because she remembered he had told her she was beautiful when she cried. This was anything but beautiful.

She reached out and put her arms tightly around his neck and whispered the words that were desperately swirling around in her mind.

"I will always respect you. I fee like this is out of our control at this point...I just want us to be happy."

He told her he hoped he could believe it someday and the little piece of light, of hope, that was left inside of her flickered, waved a flag of promise. That someday he would see it. Someday he would see that her incapableness was her own warfare.

The years spent not nurturing their marriage, her selfishness, his aloofness and assumptions that everything is always as it should be, they were all weapons.

She surrendered.

She knew she lacked the effort, the heart and the conscious to keep fighting. She knew she wasn’t worth it. She wanted to stop hurting. And the sadness of it all is that the only way she knew how to stop was to get off the track altogether and go another direction.

On that busy Tuesday morning, no one noticed the breaking of two hearts, the desperate embrace, the hurried, whispered words and the end of a story that had once such a promising ending.

The only redeeming thing about the story are two little souls that will go on living, knowing they are loved unconditionally by their parents, whose parents will continue to use their love that had once been for each other to nurture the children and raise them with more love than any child could ask for.

The D Word. Divorce, not Dallas.

Want to get real?

Like really real? 

Maybe you've noticed my sobby, inspirational tweets, or maybe that time I disappeared for a week? Or that there's a person missing from the "About She" section of my blog? 

That's because I'm going through a divorce. The D word. Sometimes I think it really doesn't start with D at all. It starts with R for restructuring. E for exhausted. S for scared, sad and sorry. 

I made some major mistakes and missteps. I let alot of people down, mostly myself. And of course the other person. And that other person couldn't love me the way that I needed to be loved. The funny thing is, blame is an unobtainable thing in situations like these. No one involved ever sees the other's point of view...I'll never be able to explain myself and be understood and neither will the other person. Sometimes you just have to buck up, be honest, show your hand and cut your losses. 

But cutting your losses doesn't make you a loser. 

This has been a long struggle, and frankly, now that it's at the end, I finally feel like I've just shed a heavy, dark skin. 

I don't want to fail anymore. I want to be a good person, a happy mother and an honest friend.

The truth of the matter is that I was failing at my marriage because I don't believe I could be good at something I didn't want with my whole heart.

I want a life that I choose. Here's a break down : After knowing him for two years, we got pregnant. I begged for a ring because I didn't want to run around a college campus with a big belly and a bare finger. We got married. We lived the next two years on auto pilot, nurturing our children and not our marriage or friendship. Somewhere along that line, I lost myself. I lost my ability to make good decisions that were right for my family. I also lost respect and love for the person I had pledged my life to.

And a 21 year old girl who knows no better isn't the same as the 27 year old woman who emerges from a cave when she finally wakes up. 

Over all, I know this is the best decision that can come out of a broken, sad situation. 

Fighting. Silence. Resentment. It's an evil cycle that's not worth it. You've got this one life.

I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to try and escape to a quiet room for a break when I should be excited to play with children on a sunny day. I don't want to pop a Xanax before I get home from work every day. I don't want to drink too much so I can try and act fun. 

I want a life of yearning, not resentment. I want a life of forgiveness, not guilt. I want a life of effortlessness, not forced, fake happiness.

This week has been the hardest week of my life. My children are staying at their father's house because I didn't have beds for them in our new place, so I hang out with them until bedtime, then leave and go to bed alone in my new place. Miss out on sleep, get up and arrive back at their house to get them ready for the day. I fret that they'll wake up and wonder where I am. 

Over the weekend, our new furniture arrived and we'll begin a routine of living that I pray will be okay for them. They have more love than imaginable from both of their parents, so I know they can feel it. I know they know how much they are loved. I don't ever want them to think I left because of them. 

The truth is, I can't be a good mother when I'm this unhappy. I need to nurture my soul, my life, my heart so that it becomes a part of who I am. 

I know they'll see a change. I know they'll recognize the happier, calmer mother that is emerging in this new life. This life that I am capable of living because I want it and I am happy in it. 

Don't ever convince yourself that something you want is too difficult to obtain.

Don't ever doubt that tiny little voice in your heart that whispers a yearning for something better. 

Don't ever hesitate to cut your losses, apologize for your mistakes and stand up straight. 

Weekend Shenanigans

Friday: 

(Repeat picture a couple times) 

Saturday: 

Water Balloons. Park. Picnic. Trampoline. Naps.

In other words: My kids' dream day :) 

(Reese with her BFF, Talyn) 

This was taken just moments before Ryder completely soaked me! 

Sunday:

I started my message board DIY project. It's taking many more coats of paint that I anticipated, so I've been painting coats here and there all weekend...

And on a more monumental note...over the weekend and last week...this happened.

A new living room. A new home for me and the kiddos...

But more on that tomorrow....

Currently Link Up

Hoping. Reading. Wearing. Making. Planning.



Currently I'm HOPING  that Mother Nature didn't just royally screw us out of Spring. It snowed on May 2 and now it's windy an 98 out. I just don't get it. I yearn for 70 and breezy, aka Spring Weather. Mother Nature is a schizo, at least in Missouri.

Currently I am READING book reviews for NovelEscapes.com and I finished The Great Gatsby, which I also saw in theaters. Guys, go see it.  Yes, it's a little showy and yes the music that perfectly matches the eyebrow movements of Leo is a bit over the top but I swear, it's the best production I have seen in a lonnnng time. I was riveted. And the story is soooo good. The movie did a great job of bringing the attitudes and one liners to life. I really recommend going to see it! And of course, read the book before you go!

Currently, I'm WEARING stinky running shorts and a tee...but when I am not sporting work out gear I have been loving these tunics from Old Navy, I have them in two colors and really wish they made one in black. They are so light and airy!

And I'm also currently loving this coral dress and shoes I bought at Target, both under $30. Those shoes? I die. I never wear stuff like that but I can't get enough of them! I need to start planning to go places that will constitute wearing them! 

Currently, I am MAKING....changes. But more on that later...maybe... 

Currently I am PLANNING some DIY projects, including this gem: 

4 Favorites!

I was so excited to find this 4 Favorites Link Up, I needed some major inspiration for a post! I've been in a rut lately, so this is perfect because I get to look at fun, pretty things to share with you and it's short and simple! Here are 4 things that have been at the top of my favorites list lately! 

The Boyfriend watch from Coach. MUST HAVE. I'd probably do nothing but check the time and stare if I had this pretty on my wrist...

Bai Square Retro Wall Clock...okay there's a small chance that this beauty surpassed window shopping and is literally headed to my wall in the next couple of days...but it's an essential item...because one must always know the time! (Excuses are a girls' best friend)

Smash Books. Yes. Please. It's chaos and creativity all compact in a fun loving book. I can't wait to fill this scraptastic album with my keepsakes, favorite quotes and more! 

And last but not least, a quote from Tyler Knott. Because he's my heart's hero when it comes to putting feelings on paper. 

Oh! I just thought of a couple more favorite things: Cuddle time with my bestie:

And these songs I have been listening to on repeat: 

What are 4 things you are loving lately? 

Happy Hump Day! 

My Weekend Shenanigans

First, this weekend was the one I have been looking forward to and planning for months! 
It was finally the time to celebrate my sister's baby bump, soon to be known in our family as Lucy Wynn! 
Her shower went off without a hitch, I wish everyday for my sister to smile everyday like she did during her shower. It was so wonderful to celebrate her and the little girl I love so much already! 

(Reading her baby book my mom gave her) 

Fish Face! 

Reese telling Aunt Jessie that she gave Lucy Goosey a dress just like her's! 

And then the rest of the weekend, I had the pleasure of shopping, lunch and ice cream with my two best friends: 

PLUS, I got to spend time with my mom and family at her house.
Meet my sister aunt, Aimee. She's technically my aunt, but we are close in age, humor and awesomeness, so I call her my sister :) 

My mom recently moved to a place out in the country that's practically next door to a winery.
I am just so sure that it had nothing to do with choosing the house...sha right...

When your afternoon looks like this, you really can't complain: 

And as always, we got in some quality time at the park....

Why oh why does it have to be Monday already?! 

Happy Mother's Day!

I am so excited to bring you this fun Link Up! 

We thought it would be fun for your moms to take over your blog for the day in honor of Mother's Day! 

So, without further adieu, I bring you my mom, my BFF, my superstar, Lisa! 

(I have to tell you about when I read her post. No one has ever went from laughing to crying so quickly!) 

Before I let her take over completely, I just have to tell you: 

After you read, head over to her bloggy blog, The Take 2 Review Chick. 

My mom is passionate about alot of things, (7.5 grandkids, huge family, job, hobbies, and more!)

But one of her biggest passions is the Big Screen. She's always caught up on the latest movies and even has a gig as a movie guru on our local news station every Thursday night. She even scores us seats in exclusive movie pre screenings (The Great Gatsby on Tuesday? Yeah I can die happy now!) 

So her blog has lots of great reviews on all the latest movies, go check it out! 

Here's my mama! 

Good Morning to my Sweet Jen’s Bliends! Let’s just start there – I steal cool phrases and

other hip things from my daughters and try to pass them off as my own. Most of the time

I can pull it off – other times it’s an epic fail (awww..catch that one too?)

My name is Lisa Chastain Erdman. I was born Lisa Anne Chastain, but through a series

of failed marriages, college research papers (one that changed the course of People

Magazine in 2002 and I am not even kidding) & knowing I am most certainly going to be

famous one day, I decided to drop the Anne and legally change my name to Lisa Chastain

Erdman. I did this without knowing Miss Jessica Chastain was about to take over the

world – so now it seems an even more brilliant move than originally planned. Hearing

“Chastain” in the same sentence as “The Nominees for Best Actress in a Leading Role

are” was like…..maj. (I stole that word from Rachel Zoe)

Mostly I talk about movies. I love movies. Jen is trying to teach me how to blog about

movies. I am terrible at it. I have no followers. But here is my blink (I made that one up

– or at least I think I did) www.take2reviewchick.blogspot.com.

I have no formal education, a super fun job, a nasty temper, a great sex life (much to

my daughters’ horror) & an unquenchable thirst for wine. (Lucky for me we live 5

miles from Windy Wine Company. Tell them I sent you – I get referral discounts). On

weekends I pretend to be a biker chick and attend raunchy bike rallies with my husband,

Jay.

My true claim to fame, the jewel in my crown, and my reason for living: I am blessed to

be the Mamma to three amazing women.

These three ladies are not only my daughters, but they are truly my best friends. There

is no one else I would rather spend time with. Okay. Not true. Sometimes they drive

me crazy and I want to get as far away as possible…but MOST OF THE TIME, I love

spending time with them.

Jennifer Jo

Jessica Marie 

Tawni Raine

My “go-to” comments about the girls:

Random fan of my daughters’: Your girls are so wonderful. I just love them.

Me: Thank you. I have no idea how they survived me.

One of my daughters’ telling me about a problem with their S/O: I just don’t understand

why he has to be so (insert negative words here).

Me: First of all, NEVER take relationship advice from me. EVER. But, if I were you I

would….

One of my daughters’ asking me any question relative to finances or money: I am

thinking about getting a top secret credit card to pay for my gambling QVC addiction

Me: First of all, NEVER take money advice from me. EVER. But, hell yes – you get

yourself that QVC Credit Card!!

Random fan of my daughters’: No way – you are not old enough to have daughters that

age!!

Me: I know. But remember, I grew up in Missouri. Having babies at 12 is NO BIG

DEAL.

Anyone saying anything negative about my daughters: (Well, I can’t think of a negative)

Me: I WILL SHOW NO MERCY!! I will de-friend you and tweet all kinds of clever

quotes totally aimed at making you feel shame. I will stop speaking to you. I may even

buy a voodoo doll…so tread carefully.

I am not sure if this is the “guest blog” Jen had in mind, so if it isn’t – just head on over

to my movie review blog and pretend I linked up from there.

I will close with a love letter to Jen.

Dear Jen,

I love you. You are a very brave soul. You will NEVER EVER walk alone – I will

always have your back. I am so proud of you and your determination. I am so proud

of your amazing writing skills, and I can’t wait to help you get your novel published.

(Speaking of this – be sure my office has a view of the timber when you build that

mansion) “A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep” – always remember that,

my lovely.

Love,

Mom

See what I mean people? She's amazing. 

Oh, and P.S. I don't have a QVC shopping addiction....but don't ask me about OldNavy.com....

Remember, there are no rules, just link up and show off your mamas!! :)